I have two college degrees and didn’t learn much in the way of practical advice. Sure, I learned how to show up to class on time (mostly) and how to pretend that I was paying attention to the professor, but other than that, my Liberal Arts and English degrees haven’t done me much good. So now, I’m going to write the list of practical advice I wish someone gave me when I was in college. This list covers a wide array of situations, but feel free to modify whatever items you like to suit your situation.

Practical Advice for Getting Through Life

• Never tee off in a tiled bathroom.
• Wash your hands immediately after chopping up hot peppers. Whatever you do, don’t blow your nose after chopping and dicing hot peppers. Not unless you want to experience a whole new level of pain.
• Never crawl under the belly of a standing horse. You never know when the horse is going to suddenly decide to take off.
• How to distinguish green wood from wood ready for burning: Try and snap it half. If it bends or doesn’t snap clean through, it’s still green.
• If you get stung by nettles, don’t scratch. In a few minutes, the sensation goes away.
• Never try to pay for your college tuition with pennies. They hate that. However, they’ll never forget you.
• If you’re going up into space and need to write a note in zero gravity, use a pencil, not a pen. Pencils don’t need gravity in order to work.
• Although Monty Python is funny no matter where you live, it’s a heck of a lot funnier when you live in England.
• Expect the train to be late.
• Expect the bus to be late.
• Expect the plane to be late.
• Expect the Grim Reaper and the tax audit to be early.
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